When it Comes to Food....Kill Me.

PTTAAF 2

Since no one objected to the start of the list...I decided on my own to continue it. On the other hand, no one encouraged the list either...shame on you. Some of you may be absolutely tired of my bitching about things relating to the food/beverage industry and serving....but I really don't care. These list additions are directly related to these subjects, so if this bothers you... Just scroll down to the bottom and leave me a comment about it. hehe

None the less...

Going Out to Eat:


6. When people "help" the server...-

OK this one could go either way. Don't get me wrong I really appreciate it when my customers want to help, but sometimes it ends up being more work and a hassle for me. Exempli gratia:

People like to take all of their napkins and shove them down their cups, ramekins, or bowls as far as they possibly can. Here's a question: How is that helpful in any way? Here's the answer: It's not. I don't know if any of you do this, but let me just acknowledge you that the server is the one who has to throw away your crap. So it's our responsibility to stick our hands down that nasty cup/bowl and fish out your napkin that you used to wipe the barbecue sauce of your disgusting face, while singing the ridiculous baby back rib song... Hey, hate to burst your bubble, but you're not the first person to bring up the stupid song and it has never been funny. Ever.

This one really gets under my skin... Please don't insult your server and grab a pitcher to refill your own drink. When a person does this the server automatically thinks two things: (1) Wow, what a douchebag and (2) Looks like you won't be getting anything else from me, asshole.

Here's something else to add: After finishing a meal, some people like to stack the plates for the server. Even though technically this is ill-mannered and against common etiquette... I for one love it one people stack their plates for me....On one condition: If the way the plates are stacked makes sense. Don't stack a plate that is 12" in diameter on top of a dressings ramekin that is 3" in diameter and is full of ranch...that you insisted to me on getting and then you didn't use the extra ranch at all. Uh, that really makes me angry. No one understands the aspect of materialism. How about we all do each other a favor and not ask for something unless we're absolutely certain we're going to use it or ask for something when we need it? Is that really too hard? Apparently so... Since were on the subject of ranch, let me just say... IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT. My goodness, people snap at you about ranch dressing like it's a cure for AIDS. We should just stop selling ranch two ounces at a time and should just ask if the table wants to include a tub of ranch and a bi-pass surgery to their check. I mean c'mon, we'd be saving both of us time and effort. While we're at it, we should just replace insulin drips with buttermilk ranch, because then people can control the amount of dressing to drown their food with just a press of a button. Wow....I rambled enough about ranch on this one... Let's just make it part of the list.**

6b. When people ask for ranch dressing-

**See the lengthy ramble/bitching above.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand...Stacking dishes in a way that makes a server juggle a leaning tower of plates to the dish pit...makes no sense. And this very situation usually leads to the next thing on my list...

7. When people clap when an employee drops or breaks dishes-

I want to meat the person who started this. And "meat" is not a typo. I seriously want to pummel this person's face with every hard surface of my body. Or maybe I can bash in some of their ribs into their vital organs. I think this would be the beginning for retribution for what this person started. Look, we all know that accidents happen. So an applause is not needed whenever someone screws up. It's not like restaurant employees can do this to customers...

Hypothetical Situation:

ME: "Here you go sir, beef fajitas."

Idiot Customer: "Oh, I ordered beef fajitas?"

Me: "Um, yes sir. I even reminded you that it came with a fajita boat..."

Idiot Customer: "That's right...but aren't fajitas the thing with the meat and cheese on top of chips?"

Me: "I'm sorry sir. Did you mean nachos?"

Idiot Customer: "Oh, yeah. Nachos! That's what I want."

Me: *while silent....just starts clapping*

Idiot Customer: *confused* "Um, what's going on?"

Me: "Oh, I just wanted to congratulate you on being a complete moron. Way to go dumb shit."

---Applause in reverse would go something like this I assume...

8. People who don't know how to tip- *In mini-list form

Some people insist on getting change and then leaves the exact change as a tip- Not only does this stress out a server, but again I can't see the reasoning for this. A simple, "Keep the change" would suffice and save time and effort.

When a person's math is completely wrong in their added credit card tip...obviously the total with the tip can't be lower than the subtotal people!

When a person doesn't know how to tip when using coupons/promotions....you tip before the discount, asshole.

Verbal tips- the all-time trump card to piss off a server. If a person is overly nice to a server, it makes a server uneasy because then they suspect "kindness" as a tip. I don't care how nice you are lady...You telling me how great a server I am, doesn't pay the damn bills. If that were the case I would be a flippin' millionaire. Even if I had a quarter for every time a person thanked and praised me for superior service they received...I'm pretty sure all the stupid Coinstar machines would be overwhelmed with the amount of change I would bring them.

9. When people complain about their food after they eat it all-

Who are these people fooling? Everyone knows that you're just trying to scam out a free meal. Apparently it wasn't that bad because...You chewed and swallowed every bite. This is equivalent to when people have bruises and then repeatedly pokes it while saying, "Oww, this hurts." Stop poking yourself people and stop eating food that tastes bad. No matter how good a server is...they can't read your mind. Just tell them that you didn't care for your order. But be careful...tell them in a nice way...

10. PEOPLE WHO ARE RUDE TO SERVERS-

Everyone knows that you shouldn't be rude to servers because....they handle your food. It would be an easy task for a server to taint your food. Believe me, I've heard some pretty gross stories about what servers do to rude people's orders. Those of you who don't work in the food industry trust me....it is as bad as you think...maybe even worse. I for one could never bring myself to do anything bad to a person's meal, but I'm only one of the few. Don't get me wrong...there were some times where I seriously wanted to and the table probably deserved it, but I could never do it.

Here's a "hypothetical" situation for you:

There's a table that is being completely intolerable and distasteful to a server for no reason at all. Even if there is a reason, servers are people too and do not need to be belittled by anyone. Anyway, thistable ordes BUFFALO CHICKEN CRISPER™ BITES. If you're not savvy with the Chili's menu let me tell you what this item includes, courtesy of the Chili's website: Four mini sandwiches with chicken breaded and fried to perfection then tossed in our spicy wing sauce. Topped with bacon crumbles, lettuce, and bleu cheese dressing and served on sesame seed buns. Served with crispy onion strings and bleu cheese dressing. I know that sounds stupid, but I seriously copy and pasted that shit. Back to the story... Well there's a lot a server could do with this particular item, but the bleu cheese makes it easy. Bleu cheese has a chunky consistency and already tastes sour. So a server could add more chunky sour goodness with a warm hawked loogie. Disgusting I know, but these kind of things happen.... Moral of the story is...

....Always treat the server with courtesy and respect...and tip fat.

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