Comedy Flops

Things that people never find funny:

Whenever I'm at Wal-Mart or any grocery store and the cashier repeatedly attempts to scan something and the price never shows up... I always say, "Oh, well I guess it's free. haha."

The inevitable reaction:
I don't know why I try that line all of the time... but every time I get a pissed off look and the cold shoulder...

Whenever I take orders at work (Chili's) I never write anything down... It's probably a better idea to write things down so I have proof of what people order, but it's a habit for me now to keep things in my head. Maybe I should just carry around a voice recorder so I can prove the stupid bitch at table whatever that he/she did in fact order the chicken fajitas and not quesadillas... Bitterness aside, my tables take my mental memorization either by praising me or doubting me. Actually, I think 100% doubt that I will get it right.... Anyway, after a table gives me their order, occasionally they'll say, "Oh, wow. You're going to remember all of that?" And I always reply, "Haha I guess you're going to find out, huh?"

Their reaction: Instant smile to stern frown...


I don't know why I always try to make my tables laugh, but most of the time my customers never want to listen to my "jokes." But, they always like to crack their own lame jokes and I have to do one of those fake laughs, but if I crack one back, it's never seems to be as amusing in their opinion.

Other observations that are usually not funny (in most people's eyes):

• Making fun of someone's baldness
• When someone volunteers to sing e.g. like karaoke and is seriously bad...with no laughs
• Saying that an Asian eats dog*...

*I have a story about this... I'm sure it will pop up in a later post...

******

Well, if you read my post last week you already know about my parking violation.... If you didn't get a chance to read last week's post let me just say that I parked on the curb near a stop sign. This area used to be a 15 minute standing zone, but now the sign is taken down and people always park there....and the one time I do, I get a stupid ticket. Well, turns out you have to be 30 feet away from a stop or yield sign. But, I decided to appeal the violation since there was not a sign like this in sight:

I went to the city of Austin's Municipal court today right after softball. I went through the metal detectors and told the lady at the information desk that I was there to appeal a parking violation and she told me two people were in front of me and gave me a number to wait for the hearing officer. Well, I waited about an hour before my number was called, but I didn't mind that much because a really good looking guy sat next to me...but he had a wedding band...damn.

Anyway, I walked in the hearing room and he swore me in and blah, blah, blah. And, he let me present my claim and evidence to support my appeal. I went on how there was no "no parking" sign and that it used to be a standing zone and all that jazz and he listened for a good, I don't know... 3 minutes and said, "I understand where you're coming from, but I'm going to have to hold you liable for the violation." I looked at him with an "Are you kidding?" look and he then asked me, "Were you born and raised in Texas?"

I was caught off guard by the question, but I answered, "Uh, yeah I've lived here most of my life, but I was born in New York."

Hearing officer while taking out a Texas driving manual... : "Well, if you received your Texas license you should know the 30 foot Stop/yield sign law."

Me with another "You've got to be kidding me" look: "Um, ok."

He flipped through the handbook for a good ten minutes looking for the the parking laws and couldn't find it. He then switched to his computer looking through his online violation database, but he still failed to find anything. So, I'm just waiting patiently for him to find something and he says, "Wow, this is embarrassing. I guess I'm just as guilty as the next. Actually, I didn't know about this law until I took this position as a hearing officer."

Now, I'm super pissed about the comment, thinking if this dude doesn't even know, how is anyone else supposed to know this crap? I say, "If this isn't common knowledge, why aren't there signs or markers indicating where a person can park?"

He answered, "Well, like I said... A person should know these things through the Texas driving handbook."

Me: "Right..."

He went looking for the various parking violation rules again on the computer, and then finally photocopied a sheet that was scotch taped to his wall. What a douche bag.... I should of figured he was a douche from the start because it was close to 90 degrees outside today, and he was wearing a turtle-neck sweater.... After he printed out a copy of these rules he circled all the one's he thought were not common knowledge with a red pen. He said, "I don't agree with these rules, but I have to enforce them."

I seriously almost stood up and strangled his high-collared covered neck.... *Sigh* Again, "the man" wins...

What do you guys consider not to be funny? I'm curious to know your opinions. Please include them by clicking HERE.

Where's Summer B?

*Sigh* Is anyone else sick and tired of school right now? It blows...

Anyway, so if anyone has read my earlier blog posts you might remember the incident where I had a toe injury... if you don't have any recollection of this or if you don't have any knowledge of the subject you can get a recap here. Well, turns out I lost the toenail completely. Yeah, it has looked gross for some time now, but now it's gone. Speaking of the word, "gross" I've been hearing it a lot lately. Anytime someone looks at my left leg I get one of these reactions:

• Oh, my God!! That looks disgusting
  
• Eww... what happened?
• Oh, shit. That looks like it hurts

(I would insert a picture here) but I thought I would spare you from cringing. I would say it looks like if Cujo attacked and ate Grimace and then threw up on my leg....

So, you might be wondering, why does my leg look like vomit from an oddly purple colored chicken nugget...? Well, turns out that last week during a game in my softball class there were two outs and so that means to run on anything. The person up to bat hit the ball, so I ran home and the catcher was blocking the whole plate by standing right in front of it. What he should of done was move his body out of the way and only have his glove with the ball in the running lane....but no. So, my only option was to slide in. I slid feet first and I caught the bottom of the catcher's legs and probably took out his ankles, but after I did this I guess he lost his balance and then stepped on my leg. And by the way he was wearing baseball cleats and he's not the most fit guy, if you know what I mean... I have to admit that at the time it hurt so bad that it took me a while to get up from the dirt, but I still continued to play. It didn't even occur to me that the catcher got hurt, since he was the one that cleated my leg... The game continued and I noticed that the catcher was sitting in the bleachers with a large bag of ice on his leg. Surprised, I asked if he was alright and he said, "yeah I think I'll be ok." The douchebag didn't even ask how I was.... all he said was, "I shouldn't have blocked the base." He must have taken the words out of my thoughts, but I didn't say anything. The only upside was that we actually won that game, so after I limped back to campus. When we had class again Monday while I was stretching the catcher (Greg) was sat next to me and this was the gist of our conversation:

Me: "Hey, Greg. How was your Easter?"

Greg: "Good, good. Yours?

Me: "Yeah, pretty good. So, did you see my battle scar? (referring to my bruised leg)

Greg: "Yeah, I have one too." He looked at his leg searching for a bruise to show me, but I saw nothing... "Well, it was bad, but I guess it's gone now."

Me: "Uh, huh..."

Greg got up and started to warm-up before the game started. Rose, another girl in my class saw my bruise and was of course disgusted by the looks of it. I told her it was from sliding into Greg and she said,

Rose: "Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I remember you took him out. I didn't understand that though because you were the one that got hurt."

Me: "Yeah, I know."

Rose: "Well, I saw it happen and then afterwards he seriously looked like he was about to cry."

Me: "Haha really?"

Rose: "Haha yeah. What a baby."

I didn't know that he was on the verge of crying, but c'mon.... Just like Jimmy Dugan says, "There's no crying in baseball."

*****

On a completely different subject.... I just got a freaking parking ticket. Let me just say that it's bullshit. I had the understanding that you could park anywhere on a curb where it doesn't say "NO PARKING ANY TIME," or in a red zone. There's a spot on campus that used to be a 15 minute customer service zone, but now that sign was taken down and so a lot of people park there. That spot is usually always taken, but today it was vacated. So, hooray a parking spot!! But, no... I got a freaking ticket. Lame...

*****

Sorry for the filler, but nothing too exciting to report. Add some jibber jabber to my comment page HERE.

Silence is Golden...Sometimes

This week = SUCKAGE

NCAA Men's Final Four/Championship --> sucked

All of my picks played like crap and were eliminated...lame

Intramural softball co-ed team --> is sucking

Aside from one dude that hit a grand slam, this girl from my softball team, and myself... the team that drafted me is beyond belief bad. *sigh*

My team that I hand picked for my basketball class --> will suck

Once again I pretty much didn't get to pick any guys over 6'... The team as a whole is moderately tall, but no specific "big guy." Today we played for kicks to get used to each other... ended up with a record of 0 - 3. Bleh I don't want to get used to losing...

School --> always sucks

So, last week was pretty brutal with 5 exams, but next week I have to finish writing a 10 page paper, 15 page paper, and prepare for a 20 -25 minute presentation. I seriously thought of skipping the rest of my classes for the semester and just show up for finals.

*****

On a lighter note... It's Filipino Birthday month!!!

Grace: 4-18
Andrea: 4-19
Praul: 4-20

Let's get together and drink our worries away, shall we?

*****

So, this week I thought that my blog post was just going to be a filler because nothing exciting was happening. But... today my friends you're in luck.

Before my Japanese class I ran into Praul in the library downstairs. He was frantically cramming for an exam, for one of his computer science classes I think. Well, anyway I finished up my Japanese homework and wished him luck before I headed to class. Japanese was the sameo, just boring dialogues, activities and a pop quiz. After class, I called Paul to see how his exam went and got his voice mail. So, I just hung up and went back down to the library to do s'more work before my next class started. Right when I sat down Praul was calling me back. So, I answered and was whispering* because I didn't want to bother the people around me too much. *Keep in mind that the library level I was in was not a "quiet study" area, but I still try to be a little courteous to others near me Anyway, Praul was telling me about his exam and stuff and while I was sitting there, a girl from an adjacent table came up to me. This is how my semi-3-way-conversation went: *On the phone = blue / *in person = purple

Praul: "Yeah, I didn't get to finish my exam. I messed up on the first question and I was working on that one trying to fix it for like 20 minutes."

Me: "Oh, really? That sucks."

Some bitch: "Um, are you going to get off the phone soon?"

Paul: "Yeah, I'm going to talk to my professor about it."

Me: "What?"

Some bitch: "I said are you going to get off the phone? Because this is a library*." *she said this while putting her hands up in the air making it obvious that it was indeed a library

Paul: "Herro?"

Me: Hang on."

Me *while giving her an ugly 'I can't believe you just said that to me look': "Uh, yeah I know. But, you know what? This isn't even a 'quiet' area."

Some bitch: "Oh, really?"

Me: "Yeah, really."

Some bitch: "Well, I guess carrying on then."

Me: "Yeah, I was planning on it."

Paul: "Herro?"

Me: "OK, sorry. What were you saying?"

-----Then Paul finished telling me about his exam and how he wants to play ABBA SingStar soon and I hang up the phone. Our conversation maybe lasted 1 or 2 minutes I would say.

After that, I pulled out some papers to work on and was writing and then 'some bitch' slowly walks up to me and drops a small piece of paper on top of my work and sits back down. Here's what it was:

She looked at me and I just grabbed the paper read it and said to her, "Yeah, don't worry about it." And then I nonchalantly continued my work. She must have gotten so embarrassed because she went back to her table, was working on something for maybe 5 minutes and got up and left. Haha Priceless...

******

I swear, I think people who have the nerve to go up to someone who is obviously trying to be quiet to tell them to be quiet... just like the sound of their own voices. I don't know about youse guys, but it takes a lot for me to confront someone and ask them to do or not do something.

Exempli gratia:

• At the movies when someone repeatedly kicks the back of my seat... I just turn and look behind me trying to give that person a hint that the kicking is bothering me.
• If a server forgets something or if my order is wrong... I am disappointed, but most likely I won't complain.
• When a person in line in front of me, like at Wal-Mart or something and is being really slow or is paying with like 10,000 pennies... I just stand behind them with my arms crossed and exhale loudly to express how irritated I am.
• When a person is being excessively loud and inconsiderate... I wait and endure the noise for at least 30 minutes to an hour until I can't handle it anymore and then I politely ask them to maybe keep it down a little
• While someone is talking and a little saliva comes out and lands on my face.... They know and I know that they spit on me, but they don't say anything... My eyes probably widen a little and when they turn their head I quickly wipe it off my face.

Those are just a few. There was one instance where I deviated from my usual biting of the tongue behind someone who is holding up the line... A couple of years back around Christmas time, I was at a small shopping place called, Schreiner's in Kerrville with my friend, Katy Jo. Well, anyway, we were waiting to checkout and the lady in front of us recognized the cashier and they started talking about how their families and the holidays and blah, blah, blah. A good 5 minutes roll by and the line has grown to about 10+ people and these women are still shooting the shit. I finally UNintentionally say, "Shit! Just check her out." and Katy Jo says, "I know, right?" The two women stop and turn to look at us. I just look at them with a horrified look and say, "Oh, my gosh... I just said that out loud..." Then, another cashier opened and we bought our stuff and left in a hurry. Oh, the joy of Christmas spirit. I received a lump of coal that year, mind you.

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Well, that's it for now. I have to grab my cleats and head to softball class. Click --> THIS <--- All the cool kids are doing it.