Service With a Smile

This weekend I went back home to Kerrville to work at my favorite place, Chili's. Believe it or not it's gotten even lamer... There are all these new rules called "non-negotiables." Here are a few I remember just before I drowned out the voice of the manager:

1. ALWAYS say, "Welcome to Chili's" and introduce yourself to a guest even when you answer the phone
2. ALWAYS make eye-contact with the guests
   
3. ALWAYS put down a knife and a fork for ALL guests when greeting a table
   
4. ALWAYS suggest the feature of the day and one alcoholic drink and one non-alcoholic drink.
5. ALWAYS thank the guest after the meal and invite them to return to the restaurant.

So everyone knows that I'm probably not going to do all these things, but I still get my work done. I'm going to assume that this following situation would be ideal for Chili's. And it goes something like this:

ME: (While putting the silverware and napkin on the table and making eye contact with the guest) "Welcome to Chili's my name is Andrea and I'm going to be taking care of you today/night. Can I start you off with an ice-cold, hand-shaken Presidente margarita or can I cool you off with a refreshing strawberry lemonade?"

Guest: "You know what? That does sounds delicious. I'll have one of those Presidente margaritas and all of my kids will take some strawberry lemonades.

ME: "Oh, right away sir/mam. I'll be right back with your Presidente and strawberry lemonades. How about an order of Southwestern eggrolls to go along with your drinks?"

Guest: "Thank you. I was just thinking how I LOVE those. Go ahead and put those in."

ME: "Not a problem sir/mam. Let me get those drinks prepared for you."

Then throughout their meal the guests are polite, courteous, and appreciative of the server the whole time and after the meal they tip you at least 25%. And then on their way out...

ME: "Thank you so much again for coming in. I hope to see you again soon. Have a good day/evening."

Guest: "Oh, no thank you so much. You have a good evening as well."

******
OK as difficult as it was for me not to vomit while typing that... I'm just going to say if I ever heard this dialogue I would think both the server and the guest are on crack...or they were actors on a server orientation video. Here is how it usually goes when I force myself to attempt doing that kind of crap.

ME: "Welcome to Chili's my name is Andrea and I'm going to be taking care of you today/night. Can I start you off with an ice-cold...

Guest: I want a water.

ME: Um, OK. Would you like to start off with some Southwes---

Guest: --- No, I just want my water.

ME: I'll be right back with that sir/mam.

Then I come back with the drinks and they tell me what they want and I put it their order. While they're waiting for their food I keep refilling their drinks and if heaven forbid it's close to halfway empty they are waving me down yelling, "ANDREA!!!" or "HEY, WAITRESS!" while raising their glass and pointing at it from across the restaurant. Then, they complain about their meal and expect to get it for free and when the do get it for free, will leave your maybe 2 dollars or nothing. Then on their way out:

ME: Thank you come again. Have a good evening.

Guest: (Just walks by you and ignores you)

The reality of service kinda sucks and that's why I hate my job so much sometimes... Anyway, here's my kind of ideal situation with keeping the "non-negotiables" intact.. I'll put the "non-negotiables" in red so you can verify that I'm abiding them.

ME: (While giving the guests the "stink eye" and putting down napkins and forks and handing a knife to the baby to play with) "Welcome to Chili's you fuckers my name is Andrea and I'll be your bitch for the evening. You want a shot of whiskey?... because from the looks of your ugly face, you probably need it. Or do you want a mango tea? If you order that I'm not going to refill it because they're a bitch to make when I'm busy. Oh, yeah...you want to start with some spinach dip or something?

Guest: (Says nothing, puts a 10 or 20 dollar bill on the table, and just leaves)

ME: (While pocketing the money) "Thank you so much. Have a good evening, come see us again."

*****

Voila!! If only I could do this to people and not serve them and still make money.... *sigh* I guess my dream will never come true...

*****

OK enough about work. Here's a little funny... Today in softball I almost died of laughter because there was a line drive grounder hit in the infield and both the pitcher and the shortstop went to make the play and somehow the ball went through the pitchers legs and the shortstop tried to make the play but fell over and pretty much dry-humped the pitcher on the ass. FYI the pitcher was a girl and the shortstop a guy. It look something like this*

*Instead of thumbs up think of a baseball mitt and instead of smiles think of a bright red face...

Haha Anyway, that's all for now. Leave me some love by Adding a Comment.